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February 21, 2011
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My Little Cimmerian
By bob-dude

Nighttime shown down on the land of Aquilonia as the stars danced in the clear black sky. In the capital city of Tamar, Conan of Cimmeria found himself suddenly awake, eyes darting about to see who had entered his royal sleeping chamber. He put a hand to his square cut coal black hair, not quite sure why he had awaken in the first place. His ears and other senses had told him that someone was in the room, or had been at any rate.

But looking around him he saw that the room was bare, that there was not a soul here but he himself.  Was he going mad?

"Hardly my good barbarian." Quoth a man's voice next to him." With panther like reflexes, Conan leapt out of his bed, his might hands balled into fists as eyes smoldered blue with rage as he called.

Across from him was a man in bizarre yet simple looking clothes. He was short, even had he not been compared to the giant that was Conan, with brown slightly receding hair. "Greetings," the man said, an air of confidence radiated from his being. "I am Q, short for Q, of the Q Continuum. You are Conan of Cimmeria, current king of Aquilonia, correct?"

"I am he." Conan responded simply and coldly, his face an emotionless mask as he held back his confusion about the strange intruder. "And just what sort of manner of man are you? I looked to my side not moments ago and seconds later there you sit! Are you some sort of wizard?" he shot the man known as Q a piercing glaze that would have caused most civilized me to crack like eggshells under its wolfish glare, Q however only chuckled at the remark which furthered Conan's growing dislike of him.  His mind raced as he wondered why his guards were taking so long to come.

"No, not quite like that, and for the record Conan you're guards aren't coming. I've stopped all time outside this room so that we could talk man to man as it were." Q said as his last few chuckles died down. "Now tell me do you remember when you were just a lad and you met the being named Yag-Kosha?"

The barbarian's blue eyes widened as a cold feeling stuck his gut; his instincts told him he would not like what was about come next.   

"Well we of the Q Continuum are similar to that, only much, MUCH more powerful. Do you understand?"

Conan nodded uneasily, had this been any other being he would have been skeptical asking proof of some sort, but there was something about the pampas little imp that give him the uneasy feeling that he was telling the truth. "Again I ask you: Why are you here?"

"Simple, I'm here to take you to a land far away from your little speck of time and space and drop you off in a place far more different then any other you've ever been to, where you will, with a little help from some of the locals, raise and train an army, and then use said army to fight off an incoming great horde of evil that will soon be sweeping across the land. Just think of it as a return to your days as a commander of armies or when you used to be in command of the ship Wastrel as a buccaneer."

Though his face didn't show it, the king of Aquilonia mulled the idea over in his mind. In truth he longed for a chance to go out into the world once more with nothing more then a sword on his back, his wits and skills about him as he traversed though the land selling his skills to whoever would pay highest. But he could not leave his empire; as soon as word got out that he was gone his nobles would undoubtedly be torn apart.

"Oh come now, did you forget that I've stopped time? You can go on this journey for months on end and by the time you return here only moments will have passed."

"Very well then," Quothed Conan. "What is the name of this land that I'll be traveling to?"

"The land's name is Equestria, it is as the name suggests a land dominated by sentient, sapient, horses. Ponies, pegasi, and unicorns to be more precise. There are two sister Goddesses to note that rule over the land as Princesses(don't ask me why they don't bother to call themselves queens, it's a mystery even to me), the eldest sister is named Celestia who controls the sun and is the reason why it rises every morning, and her younger sister Luna who controls the night and was until recently tapped in the moon for becoming jealous of her sister, escaped and was turned good again and now once again controls the night."

"…I see, may I ask why you care about this land?"

"I don't. Now before you ask why I'm bothering to send you there if I have no personal stake in whether Equestria survives or not? Well the answer to that is simple; I'm bored and this sort of thing entertains me.  I mean there's only so many times you can bug the same bald British accented Frenchman before it gets a bit dull after awhile. Any more questions my good Cimmerian?"

"Just two: How can I trust you and when do we leave?" he asked.

Q grinned. "Can you trust me? Well if you had asked Picard that, he's the British accented Frenchman I mentioned earlier, he would tell you no and he would be right to an extent but today I'm feeling charitable so you can expect me to pop up every now and then to give out advice that 8 times out of 10 will be truthfully. What will qualify as a lie depends solely on your judgment Conan. As for our leaving time why that's immediately." Q said with an impish grin.

Then the baffling sensation of having one's molecules broken down and moved across great distances and great speeds washed over Conan as nanoseconds latter the two beings left the realm of the Hyborian Age and were whisked away to the land of Equestria. Leaving a bare sleeping chamber with only the fading sounds of heathen oaths to reverberate off its walls.

Warm sunlight beamed down on the Conan as his smoldering blue eyes shot open, rage bubbling within. It took only moments to realize that his body felt wrong, that he was naked, had hooves in place of hand, and a thick black tail now stuck out of his rear end. He was laying on the side of his new body, and with a shaky start he got up and tested his new legs. Starting with a sluggish trot around in circles as his tested out his new form of walking before ending when he felt confident enough in his stride to stop and fully take in the world around him.

He was in a forest that much was clear, it was a deep, dank, dark and if his ears, nose and other senses were to be believed, dangerous.  Near by he saw a sword on the ground only a few feet away from where he stood, it was a simply crafted blade made of iron that if his guess was correct, was freshly made and had not yet been used if the edges of the weapon where anything to go by.  

There was no scabbard to put the blade in, which only caused Conan's temper to flare up as he tried time and time again to awkwardly grasp the grip of the weapon.  After it tumbled out of his teeth for the tenth time, the Cimmerian exploded. "By Crom, Nemain, and Badb!" he swore loudly into the air, causing a flock of near by birds to fly up in response. "Gods damn that imp! He gives me a sword but nothing to carry the damn thing with?"

Despite the outburst however he bent his head down for another try and was successful, however awkwardly the taste of leather felt in his mouth. A few steps with the blade dragging along the ground told him that he could probably travel like this, as uncomfortable as it would be.

Just then Conan's ears began to twitch as a howl followed soon after by three cries rang out in the distance.  Digging one of his back hooves into the ground savage stallion rocketed off in the direction of the cries, blade failing widely at his side as he ran.

Roughly 5 minutes ago

"A-Are you sure you know where your going Apple Bloom?" Sweetie Belle asked as her head darted wildly around the Everfree forest, eyes filled to the brim with fear.

"Well sure Ah know where I'm goin', I've been to Zecora's place plenty o times since the Poison Joke incident." The small light red mane replied.


"Please tell me you still aren't scared of this place Sweetie?" Scootaloo said in an annoyed tone. "Didn't we already convince you before we left Ponyville that so long as we follow Apple Bloom here we'll be fine?"
"Yea, and sides my sister and her friends have traveled though da forests just fine before." Apple Bloom added.

"Y-You guys did." The white unicorn muttered. "It's just that this place is so creepy and everything and what if we run into a wolf, or manticore or a dragon!"

"Oh my." Scootaloo muttered scasticly

"Oh come on Sweetie Belle just what in da heck are the odds of us running into a-" a sudden bonk cut the young filly off as she and her fellow Crusaders turned to look up at the face of the mighty wolf that stood before them. It's crimson eyes narrowed with an enraged look on its face as it raised it's powerful jaws and sent them crashing down on young Apple Bloom.  

However with quick thinking and even quicker legs the young filly jumped out of the way of the incoming attack and quickly scampered off with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo following close behind. All of them now screaming loudly.

The wolf let out a deep roar and began its charge at the three young fillies.

"M-M-Maybe if we show him kindness he might leave us alone!?" Sweetie Belle said in a outright-terrorized voice as she glanced over to her fellow Crusaders.

"Sweetie I get the feeling that THIS wolf isn't exactly the kindness type." Scootaloo replied nervously as she glanced back at the ever-approaching wolf, maw snapping madly. "Step on girls!" With that the trio's speed picked up but the wolf kept at them and a sense of dread soon fell upon them.

In the distance however the sound of galloping could be heard slowly coming closer towards the feeling fillies and their canine chaser and then in a sudden flash a might black stallion came charging out of a near by cluster of bushes, sword griped tightly in his mighty teeth as he leapt out and pit himself between the wolf and the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Get back now!"  Ordered a muffled growl as the strange stallion kept his eyes locked on his foe, the wolf in question readying its back legs for a lunging attack.

"B-But what about you Mr?" Apple Bloom asked.

"I've fought worst than this mongrel." The wolf took that moment to launch into this attack, teeth gashing on the edge of the blade as the stallion struggled to hold it back.  "Now go, get on with you!"

With that the Crusaders scampered off leaving just the wolf and their mysterious savor to battle it out.

Mentally Conan was ecstatic, how long had it been since he had truly had a chance to  grapple with a beast like this? What few free facial muscles he had left he twisted into a smile. He was going to enjoy this.  Gritting his teeth he swung the blade with his head, forcing the wolf's tight grip to side off as a result. He then tossed the weapon away from him before scraping the ground with a back hoof once again. Conan now faced his foe with no weapon but his own transformed body, unfamiliar as it was, and with a powerful snort from his nostrils ran at his wild foe like a panther charging at a its near rival.

The wolf however met the King of Aquilonia with a feral  fury to match the Cimmerian's own as just before he shot his head down to crunch on  one of the wolf's ear it jerked back forcing Conan to bite on a mouthful of air, returning the favor with a mighty swipe from it's razor sharp paw.

Conan cringed as he recoiled slightly from the successful strike, mentally he cursed his new body's awkwardness, before deciding that stallion or not he would not let something as trivial as a change in physical form stop him from doing his damnedest to  take that wolf down, fists or not, fingers or not, being forced to fight on all fours or not, the slayer of ape monsters and loathsome serpents would not  be killed so easily.

Being not a man (or stallion as it were) to do anything defensively Conan of Cimmeria once again rushed the wolf with a leopard like quickness, this time smashing once of his horseshoeless hooves into the chest of the wolf. With a loud yelp the wolf was sent sailing against a near by tree, where it collided with a painful sounding crash.  However the wolf got up, legs quavering slight but the same demented look in it's pale yellow eyes.

What proceeded next was a great many rounds of stallion and canine trading blows, paw swipes, teeth gashing, all of which left the armorless Conan a mess of claw cuts and fang bites and the wolf equally worst off.  

Eventually the Cimmerian was the victor of their grueling struggle, as he rose on his back legs before delivering both of his frontal hooves down on the badly battered wolf's cranium. It shattered like an eggshell with a sickening crunch sound as the mashed brains of the now dead wolf splattered against Conan's hooves.   




In a small collection of shrubby three pair of eyes poked out, having witness the mighty carnage before them.

"You three can come out." Conan rumbled, glancing at their location. One did not have to be a son of barbarism to be able to see where the three young ones were hiding. When he saw their gaily eyes wide with unease he added: I won't harm you."

Apple Bloom was the first to walk out of the brush, followed shortly after by Scootaloo and moments latter, after soon hesitation on her part, Sweetie Belle.

Mentally Conan swore when he caught his first good look at them, he had been expecting talking ponies yes, but ponies of such bight and cheery colors? They wouldn't have lasted a day in his land with colors that loud for predators to see. For a moment there was only an uneasy silence between the four with the sounds of the woods being the only noise in the background.

"Thank you kindly for saving us Mr." Apple Bloom said, with her two friends mimicking her reply.

Conan only grunted.  "Where are we?"

"We're the Everfree forest, Sir." Sweetie Belle answered nervously, as her poor white knees began to shake. She had never seen anypony like the one that stood before them now, not even Big Macintosh was as large or powerful looking as he was.

"I see, and I take it you three live in a place near by these wood?"

Scootaloo nodded. "That's right Sir, we're residents of Ponyville., about a mile and half from here."

"Call me Conan." he said.

"Conan? That's an odd name isn't it?"

"It's normal from where I'm from."  

"And where's that?"

"Cimmeria :A dreary land of hills, dark woods much like this one,  clad in a thick gray fog most of the time."
"Ah tant never heard of any place called Cimmeriah before."

"I would be surprised if you had little one," the stallion muttered to himself while in a much louder voice he asked if he the three fillies could lead him back to their Ponyville, as he was in his own words: a penniless sellsword who was looking for a place to stay while he made his was towards the capital of Equestria where he hoped to gather work as a solder in Princess Celestia's army.

The three young fillies bought the story with little objection and with that the four made their way back to Ponyville.

Elsewhere however as the fresh corpse began to attract flies and maggots to it a crimson mist slowly began to fall near it. As it was falling  the collection of red particles began to cluster together more and more until a defined shape began to take place. The shape in question was tall, lithe of humanoid build and as the moments passed and the shape became more and more detailed and solid it's gender became clear as day.

His Infernal Majesty towered over the dead body of his creation, a bright red lobsterish claw  touching his curly goatee in thought as He stared at  scene that lay before his greatness, a frown etched across His face. It had come to quite a shock when He had felt his scout to this world die as it did, to be overwhelmed by sheer physical force no less had caught the mighty devil quite off guard. He had been in the tub when the shocking sensation took place, it was so shocking that he had dropped his poor Mr. Quackers as a result and came as soon as He had dried and dressed Himself.

Now as He removed his claw from His beard His body began to return to its misty state, the twisted gears in his mind formulating a plan on just what to do about this wild card that had been thrown into the mix so late in the game. His plans for the conquest of Equestria had not taken something like the blue-eyed stallion appearing. Deep within His gut He knew that the barbarian would taken care of soon if His plans were to succeed.  With the last of the red mist evaporated back to His twisted realm, the corpse was along with naught but the likes of flies and earthworms to keep it company.
Well it's finally happened folks, I have done the unthinkable. I have placed Robert E. Howard's famous barbarian in the land of My little Pony. Mitra help us all.


Edit: Gone back and added the fight scene and picked out the villain for this tale. Thoughts?
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:iconwraithe-13:
Wraithe-13 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2011
advice wise, I think you've hit the proverbial nail on the head: a fine introduction to an... interesting story arc.
now, removing the monocle and putting down my tea, I can say that THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT I'VE EVER READ!
my God, man; how did you do it?! The absolute insanity formed from a mixture of sci-fi, a fantasy epic, and children's programming is so crazy, it's brilliant!
well done portraying Q in this: I could practically hear John de Lancie through my computer screen!
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:iconbob-dude:
bob-dude Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2011  Student Writer
Unfortunately I'm most likely only going to write up a second follow up to this that's just a simple meet and greet between Conan and the main 6 characters, partly because I can't think of a good force of evil for Conan and co to face and partly because I have no idea where to take the story after the second part.

As for how I did it, I just did my best to come up with a half way plausible plot and tried to do justice by the characters as best I could, wether I succeeded or not is up to the reader.
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:iconwraithe-13:
Wraithe-13 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2011
I suppose that's understandable, coming up with a villain tough enough to go against Conan, but innocent enough to be defeated by ponies: big challenge!
... you could always bring back the smooze. mmm, purply, delicious smooze ^^

and as far as I'm concerned, you succeed- nay, you sir, WIN!
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:icontaranaich:
taranaich Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2011
Masterstroke, my good man. Masterstroke. I especially appreciate the appearance of Q to "explain" things. Bravo!
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:iconbob-dude:
bob-dude Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2011  Student Writer
Thank you for the kind words, though as I've mentioned in my journal this is still a rough draft of sorts that still needs some fine tuning here and there (not to mention the fight scene) so any advice you might be willing to give I'll happily take.
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